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Popular Cereal Mascot Arrested On Pedophilia Charges
by Josh Righter
The Trix Rabbit, the long-time mascot for the cereal Trix, was taken into police custody yesterday on charges of "intended practice of pedophilia".
As far as authorities can tell, the Rabbit has not actively engaged in pedophilia; however, numerous eyewitness accounts and FBI surveillance have convinced them that he had all intentions of doing so.
"We believe that it is exceedingly obvious that Mr. Rabbit, if left to his own devices, would have exploited young children to serve his own twisted needs," stated the police chief of Hollywood, CA, where the Rabbit resides.
One of the publicised pieces of evidence is a tape featuring several commercials for the fruity, sugary cereal Trix. In these commercials, the Rabbit is seen masquerading amongst children in various disguises, attempting to obtain their Trix cereal.
"Only someone with immoral intentions would disguise themselves to fit in among children," claims District Attorney John Rutherford. "Mr. Rabbit is clearly a very sick individual."
Defenders of the once-lovable rabbit say that because the Rabbit's intention was only to secure himself some Trix, he cannot be accused of intending to commit any sort of crime. Rutherford, however, is unconvinced.
"First of all, Mr. Rabbit was shown repeatedly trying to take the children's cereal for himself, which is a crime in and of itself. After all, stealing -- from kids, no less -- is not something we look kindly upon here in Hollywood. But that fact is irrelevant, because after reviewing the evidence tapes, we know that obtaining the Trix was not the Rabbit's true intention."
After all, Rutherford reasoned, Trix -- according to their slogan -- "are for kids".
"Why would Mr. Rabbit be trying to get his hands on a cereal that is well-reputed to be a food for children?" Rutherford asked. "It just doesn't add up."
Rutherford added that it is the opinion of the prosecuting legal team that the Rabbit is a "silly rabbit".
The Rabbit's lawyer was unwilling to speak to us directly, but he did release a general statement to the press earlier today that not only attested to his client's innocence, but proclaimed him "a hero".
"Mr. Rabbit, by dressing himself in various disguises and conversing amongst children, was only attempting to satisfy his curiosity about a breakfast cereal -- a breakfast cereal that, according to the very commercials the prosecutors are using as evidence, is 'fruity and delicious'. And the only reason he was forced to stoop to such ridiculous means is because the marketers of Trix are ruthlessly discriminatory with the cereal, proclaiming it as only meant for children. In his never-ending quest to eat a mere spoonful of Trix, Mr. Rabbit is a modern-day Rosa Parks."
The Rabbit's bail has been set at one million dollars, and long-time friend and associate Lucky the Leprechaun has vowed that the money will be raised.
If you are like me you have thought about this pressing question before. Why can't the rabbit have any Trix? One of my friends recently made me realize the situation here. One day a commercial for Trix came on, and she ranted and raved about how she just didn't get why he couldn't have some cereal. That day, I realized that too. It just doesn't make any sense!! A few pressing questions came to mind. If he's on the box, isn't he entitled to some cereal? If I was on a box of cereal I would sure hope I could have some. Another obvious question surfaced too. If his name is the Trix Rabbit, that means it's his cereal doesn't it? What rights do these little brats have to take away someone cereal? I mean he has been trying to get some cereal since about 1959. That's 41 years! That's a long time to go without cereal.
Trix Rabbit Readies Appeal
NEW YORK - Although surprised by the verdict of his June court case, the Trix Rabbit is confident of the outcome of his upcoming appeal against General Mills. It came as no shock when in late 1998, the silly rabbit filed suit against the cereal giant on the grounds of species discrimination. Though losing his initial case, the rabbit spoke to reporters confirming he would appeal the verdict.
"This has been going on for over forty years," said the rabbit. "It's getting a bit old." Since 1960, the Trix Rabbit has been denied the opportunity to eat Trix cereal, although his lifetime contract has him hooked as spokesmammal for the product. There was only one exception, in 1976, after a polling of consumers the Trix Rabbit was allowed one bowl.
"I was young and wanted to get into show business," the rabbit confesses. Having had a small taste of the forbidden crunchy fruit, the rabbit decided on legal action. "Screw the cereal. Give me the cash and I'll buy my own damn box."
Even competitors are behind the rabbit. Says Quaker icon Cap'n Crunch of the General Mills viewpoint: "This issue goes beyond corporate lines. I'm just glad I was drawn human." The sea-faring oat hawker will be testifying as a character witness on the Trix Rabbit's behalf, although General Mills lawyers are confident of discrediting him.
"We're not worried about his following," quipped Joseph Quisp, legal defense administrator. "Look at what he's got - a 'Captain' who's never served in any branch of the military and a bird who freaks for Coco Puffs like they're heroin."
The Trix Rabbit will be represented by the firm of Snap, Crackle and Pop, who feel that this will be the most important cereal trial since the 1979 Lucky vs. General Mills leprechaun bashing case. "We feel that justice is an important part of any balanced life," said Crackle. "The rabbit deserves some compensation for this blatant discrimination."
The appeal will be heard before the New York State Supreme Court at around breakfast time on October 8th.
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The TRIX RABBIT -- Why? |
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On Sunday mornings when I get out of bed at noon to watch TV, I tend to watch the kiddie channels 'cause they've got all the cartoons. Anyway, I'm usually watching TV and then the commercials come on. I'm not a big fan of commercials as it is, but there are some paticular commercials that depress me. The main one is anything advertiesing TRIX cereal. A good cereal, but the ads... The basic plot for these things are as follows:
1. Greedy little kids get cereal... TRIX cereal.
2. Starving TRIX RABBIT wants some of his own damn cereal.
3. Knowing that the GREEDY-BASTARD KIDS won't give him any, Mr. TRIX RABBIT tries to outsmart them for his own cereal.
4. Disguise fails and the fat little kids say "Silly rabbit, TRIX are for kids!"
Every time this happens, and every time I think to myself, "Why can't those a-holes give the rabbit some cereal? A cereal that not only he endorses, but is named after? Are they that greedy? Is this what America is about? Hoarding sugar cereals? Why? Why? Why?" |
May 02, 2000
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MINNEAPOLIS, MN The Trix Rabbit, known since 1960 as the beloved international spokesbunny for General Mills' popular Trix breakfast cereal, died yesterday at Hennepin County Medical Center of complications arising from decades of severe clinical depression. Psychologists and physicians attending the ailing rabbit cited his unfulfilled lifelong quest to obtain even small portions of Trix cereal as a major contributor to the friendly hare's untimely demise.
At a private memorial service held near the rabbit's home in suburban Minneapolis, his close friend and confidante Tony the Tiger presided over the somber ceremony.
"Today we mourn the passing of a legend," he said. Addressing an impressive and diverse crowd of the late rabbit's friends and coworkers including Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Toucan Sam, Sugar Bear, Dig'em Frog, and Cap'n Crunch the visibly upset Tony succinctly eulogized his long-time friend and cereal superstar. "At a time when rabbits simply weren't welcome in the [cereal] sponsorship biz, he made a stand for himself and changed the world for all of us."
He then turned to the small cardboard coffin nearby and addressed the deceased rabbit. "You were a good friend to all of us and we will miss you dearly. You were grrreat!"
With most of the mourners in attendance well into their 50's or 60's, anger and frustration at the rabbit's premature death were widespread.
"Sure, I've had a little trouble 'following my nose' from time to time," said the unusually soft-spoken Toucan Sam. "But I've never had sadistic kids put me through such hellish torture just to find my Fruit Loops."
Little-known to the American public, the Trix Rabbit actually did enjoy the delicious crunchiness of Trix cereal on two occasions, once in 1976 and again in 1980, but friends and associates unanimously regard the rare incidents as "too little, too late."
"Trix Rabbit was the friendliest and most outgoing spokesbunny I ever knew," said devastated GM Director of Advertising, Michael Rolf. "There was nothing he enjoyed more than cavorting with the kids on the set during commercial shoots. All he ever really wanted were a few bites of Trix.
"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids," mocked Rolf bitterly. "See what you've done?!"
Attempts to contact another of the rabbit's close friends for comment, the Nestlé Quik Rabbit, were unsuccessful. According to Quik's publicist, the hyperactive chocolate milk-loving hare was too distraught to speak with reporters.
In a related event of starkly reversed circumstances, Lucky Leprechaun was admitted to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles yesterday after suffering an overdose of Lucky Charms. |
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| ABOVE: The jubilant rabbit as he arrived on-set for a recent Trix commercial shoot. |
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